Taser Stupid
Sample Story
It was anniversary time and God help you if you forget this
occasion! Dennis Mason saw something in Flood’s Pistol & Pawn Shop
that sparked his interest. The occasion was he and his wife’s 20th
anniversary. He was looking for a little something extra for his
wife Judy.
What he came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety.
Way too cool! Long story short, Dennis bought the device and brought
it home. He loaded two triple-A batteries in the damn thing and
pushed the button. Nothing! He was disappointed. He learned however,
that if he pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface
at the same time; he’d get this blue arc of electricity darting back
and forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, he has yet to
explain to Judy what the burn spot was on the face of the stove.
Dennis was home alone with this new toy, thinking to himself that it
couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There he sat in his recliner, his cat Fluffy looking on intently,
trusting little soul, while he was reading the directions and
thinking that he really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
blood moving target.
Dennis admitted he thought about zapping Fluffy for just a fraction
of a second, but decided against it. She’s such a sweet cat. But, if
he was going to give this thing to his wife to protect herself
against a mugger, he wanted some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Was he wrong? So, there he sat in a pair of shorts and a
tee-shirt with his reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge
of his nose, directions in one hand and the taser in the other.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, a three second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like
a fish out of water. Any longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries. All the while he’s looking at this little device
measuring about 5” long, less than 3/4 of an inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy bitsy triple-A batteries
thinking to himself, ‘no possible way!’
What happened next is almost beyond description. Dennis was sitting
there alone, Fluffy looking on with her head cocked to one side as
to say, ‘don’t do it dip-shit,’ reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t possibly hurt all that
bad. He decided to give himself a one second burst just for the hell
of it. He touched the prongs to his naked thigh, pushed the button
and…HOLY MOTHER OF …!@*!… WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION… WHAT THE
HELL!!”
Dennis is pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked him up in the recliner, and then body slammed them both on
the carpet over and over again. He vaguely recalls waking up on his
side in the fetal position, with tears in his eyes, body soaking
wet, both nipples on fire, balls no where to be found, with his left
arm tucked under his body in the oddest position, and tingling in
his legs? The cat was making meow sounds he never heard before while
clinging to the picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously
in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by his body flopping all over
the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: There is no such thing as a one second burst when
you zap yourself! You won’t let go of the damn thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered…conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH MOTHER…….THAT HURT!!!
A minute or so later, Dennis can’t be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point. He collected his wits, what little he had left,
sat up and surveyed the landscape. His bent reading glasses were on
the mantle of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about
8 feet from where it originally was located. His triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. His face felt like it
had been shot up with Novocain and his bottom lip weighed 89 pounds.
He had no control over the drooling. Apparently, he crapped on
himself, but was too numb to know for sure and his sense of smell
was completely gone. He saw a faint smoke cloud above his head,
which he believes came from his hair. He’s still looking for his
balls and offering a significant reward for their safe return!
Dennis’s wife Judy loved the gift, and regularly threatens him with
it!
NOTE: If you would like to join in on the extra fun by
joining our closed group on Facebook, just let us know. On this page
you will get to see some pretty wild and funny pictures as well as
be able to catch some more of Grigsby's writings concerning other
off the wall issues. Grigsby also has his own newspaper column as
well as writes some very interesting sports articles. If you would
like to get into his closed group, 'WHAT'S ON MY MIND'
click here and it will take you to Grigsby's Facebook page. Once
there send a message requesting to be added to our group. We will
take care of it from there and you will be notified ASAP.
Other places you can get your copy or download are at Barnes &
Noble, Amazon, Kindle, eBooks, Author House or your favorite
bookstore. The only drawback...it will not be personally autographed
by the author. Regardless though...you will enjoy and get many
laughs from Tales From A Carolina Crazy wherever you get it...very
funny!! A 100% five star rating.
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